My adopted niece went to her prom last night. She looked amazing. She got dressed in the home of her stepmother, my sis-star, who made all prom-related purchases possible. Waiting in the living room to see her daughter was my niece’s mother. Standing in front of the house to see his daughter, was her father and my sis-star’s ex-husband. Complicated? Not even. Change. Last month, none of that would have been possible. Her biological parents don’t speak at all and haven’t in some time. (Okay, that might not change…soon.) Her father and stepmother were divorced last year and they just started speaking-pleasantly. Change. Big change.
What came before was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, too much bitterness, too much meanness, some resentment, some callousness, pain and fear. Four children were conceived in this chaos and five lived among the confusion. Dreams were put in a box and left in the corner of a closet, along with the clothes which became too small to wear because the unhappiness grew so big. And my sis-star, convinced that nothing would change, made a decision to change nothing to ensure that life for the family wouldn’t change. I know. Read it again. I’ll wait. Sounds crazy but that’s just what we do-all of us. We avoid making change, won’t even consider it because if we do, well, then, something’s going to change. The thing is even if we don’t, something’s going to change. In my sis-tar’s house, where the decision was made to keep the family together despite the escalating arguments, the nasty fights, the poor financial decisions, the foreclosure, the emotional abuse, the infidelity, things changed from too-damned-bad to what-the hell worse. Because change is going to come.
Our resistance to change is futile. To be afraid of change is senseless because we change all of the time. We were designed to change. Cells are dying and new ones are being made constantly and continuously. Our heart rate, blood flow and temperatures change. There were mechanisms created to allow for change, the biggest-and most important- being our brain. Making decisions which incorporate truth and compassion allow us to make changes to see us healed and healing, loved and loving. The truth is my friend got married to escape the chaos and confusion of her parents’ house. The truth is she married a man whose own family chaos and confusion made hers look like “The Brady Bunch”. The truth is making the decision to end her marriage was a difficult one and things did change. The truth is they have begun the slow process of re-defining their family. The truth is she has begun the hard work of changing from who she thought she was into who she knows she needs to be. The truth is making the decision to engage her ex-husband with compassion has changed the dynamics of their new normal into something positive and affirming of the love they share for their children and for each other as co-creators of five amazing beings. The truth is her children have continued to thrive and do so knowing they have two parents that love them. And, the truth is, because things do change, they have a mommy and daddy who were both present-at the same time- to see their oldest daughter change into the beautiful young woman she is becoming.
Change is you creating space for Shift. Change is you Powering On to a Power-Full you. Change is you making decisions in truth and with compassion. Change is you releasing fear and gathering faith. Change is you trusting that different is not the same thing as bad. Change is you owning that a good thing can be made better. Can you make change? You can and you will. You should and you must. The Movement is YOU making Change!!
Got Change?
Filed under Uncategorized
Just Like That
My Aunt Ella died last week; she was 98. My grandmother had four sisters; Duck (who turned 100 in March), Ella, Boots, and Jook, nicknames given to them by their father: My grandmother’s was Sook. These Goodrich women of Lawrenceville, Virginia were tough. Not a one was over five foot three and yet when they were in a room, the bigness of who they were stretched and broadened them out in a linebacker kind of way. Jook, my Aunt Roslyn, was one of the first female anesthesiologists at a major hospital in New York City and my grandmother, Lois, was part of a grassroots parent organization which helped to decentralize the local school board paving the way for parent advocacy and school system reform back in the 1960’s. They all sang beautifully, worshiped reverently and loved deeply. Their dress was elegant and stylish-pearls, hats and gloves. Children were sent to college, grandchildren were spoiled. They also cursed, drank, smoked and gambled. Their parties were famous and their laughter loud, soul-filled and belly aching. They fussed at family and argued with each other but always-ALWAYS-returned to their collective and individual cores. They lived, and still live, lives of being who they were and are. Just like that.
When we are Be-ing who we are, we are in flow. The Universe responds in kind by providing us with opportunities to be more of who we are and by allowing us to see ourselves reflected in the company we keep. We are able to see choices clearer giving us room to make better decisions. Just like that. When we are on purpose, we ARE on purpose. When we are not BE-ing who we are, we are out of flow. We are dis-eased, depressed, defeated. We lack clarity which leads to unwise choices and poor decision making. We are surrounded by dream killers, spirit slayers and fear mongers unable to move beyond the very small world they have created for themselves. BUT we get reminders every day to fight like hell for the truth of who we are. When my Warrior Goddess Diva friend received the diagnosis of cancer and decided she would not fight for herself cancer-free, she had to fight off a would-be attacker to remember who she was. Recently, she decided to make a documentary about this new journey and was just accepted into a highly competitive film program she had applied to months before. Just like that. I received a call on Tuesday to work with an organization I have been in awe of since I was a child. I was clearly told there would be very little pay attached to this tremendous undertaking but because the work is in direct alignment with my core values and is me on purpose, I accepted the offer without hesitation. On Friday, I received a call informing me that a settlement on a case from two years ago had been reached and an offer made, which I accepted without hesitation. Just like that.
On your journey to a Power-Full you, decide who you are Be-ing. And BE you, on purpose, fabulously flawed and beautifully battle scarred but wondrously made. Just like that.
The Movement is YOU Be-ing who you are!!
Filed under Uncategorized
Who Do You Think You Are?
Recently, one of my best friends found out she had cancer. She was told she could opt to have part of her breast removed or she could opt to have a mastectomy. SHE decided she would do neither. She decided she would do nothing. This is the friend who took her five year-old son on a backpack trip to Sweden just because. This is the friend who put on three Depends and two down jackets to make sure that she would not lose her spot at the front of the public viewing stands during President Obama’s 2008 inauguration. This is also the friend who went to the pound to get the biggest dog they had to place in front of the dilapidated crack den she bought and turned into the most coveted house in the neighborhood. She is Shaman of my Warrior Goddess Diva Tribe. She can make anything happen because she makes everything happen. So her decision to not do anything was more upsetting than the diagnosis. But the Universe has this remarkable way of giving us exactly what we need when we need it. So two days after she announced that her mind was made up and that she wasn’t open for any discussion, she was approached by a “would-be-suitor” who, apparently, wasn’t open for discussion either. HE decided that her attempts to kindly rebuff his advances was an open invitation to attempt to assault her. Did I mention that my friend takes a martial arts class three times a week? Right. When the cops called the ambulance to come and get him, he was still curled up, babbling incoherently. Because she is who she is. She’s a bad assed Goddess Warrior Diva who can soothe a five year-old with the same hand she used to make a grown idiot cry like a five year-old. She’s fearless. Not because she doesn’t have any; this cancer thing has caused her to be plenty scared. She’s fearless because she moves in spite of any fear she is feeling, as she reminds me to move time and again. She is who she is. She’s not a diagnosis. She’s certainly no victim. She’s having the surgery she needs to live her life Powered ON because she’s a fighter. She is who she is just like you are who you are. You are not what happened to you. You are not what somebody said to you, you are not what somebody did to you. You are not how somebody didn’t love you. You are not even who YOU think you are. You ARE. You are love, you are light. You are compassion, you are capable. You are wonder and music and beauty. You are Shifting from who you are to who you are becoming with purpose, grace and truth. You are Power-Full. And yes, the Movement is You!!
Filed under Mama Power
Light Up
I watched a young girl, young lady really, dance last night. She was amazing. She was all movement and muscle. Sure in step, yet light on her feet. She danced with joy and abandon and delight and assuredness. Hers was a dance of purpose, clarity and an awesome display of the gift she had received. While watching, I was clear that I was witness to something grander at work. While watching, I remembered when I used to dance: I loved it. I felt free and strong and at my best. Sometimes. In my head, to myself, alone. Maybe, in front of family. But in Miss Christian’s Saturday dance program, I mostly felt awkward because I didn’t look like most dancers. I wasn’t lithe and slight. I was curved and curvy and my mother found countless ways to remind me that I was curved and curvy. When you’re twelve, all you want to do is be like everybody else, or at least not so different. And I all I wanted to be was not so different and I wanted to dance. Then there was the big cotillion at the Waldorf, back when cotillions were big and held at the Waldorf. Valerie sang “You Light Up My Life” because that was THE song to sing. I knew all the steps, knew them better than the lead. But right before we came out to perform, my costume was switched with another girl’s who was curvier than me. I remember insisting first to the girl, then to the mom who was helping us to get dressed that I had the wrong costume. The girl double insisted I did not and the mother reassured us both, mainly me, that it didn’t matter. But it did. I spent the entire number trying to hold the one side of the one shouldered bodysuit up so as to avoid a Janet Jackson and she spent the entire number trying to tug the bodysuit down so she could breathe. Sidebar- the lesson learned that day? Don’t let anyone convince you to put on a one-shouldered bodysuit that doesn’t fit. After that, for me “different” became “wrong” which meant dancing in the back as unobtrusively as possible until there was no dancing at Ms. Christian’s on a Saturday at all.
Somewhere along your journey, you may have found yourself trying to put on a bodysuit that belonged to someone else, or not dancing because you thought you were wrong, or dimming your light to let someone else’s shine brighter. You may, at this very moment, be attempting to do all three. Stop. Close your eyes and see yourself with joy and abandon and delight and assuredness. Look at what you’re doing. See who you’re being. That is you, lighting up your life with what the Creator has designed for you and you alone. Lighting up your life gives me permission to light up mine. Lighting up my life provides you with proof that there is something-always something-grander at work. Lighting up our lives allows our children to be with joy and abandon and delight and assuredness.
Lighting up your life is not an option; it is a requirement for a life Power-Full and Powered On. Need a light? The Movement is YOU Lighting Up Your Life!!
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Are You Packed?
My aunt has this knack for gift giving. One year there was a bank check. The kind that came with a comma and some zeros. Last year there was a trip to Paris. Both delightedly unexpected. Both done with love and just because. Christmas is the one exception and even that is an event. This year she took the offspring of my sister and I- six grandnephews and one grandniece-on a bonafide New York Kid holiday experience; lunch, a matinee performance and shopping at F.A.O. Swarz. On a Wednesday. (She actually divided the group in two and went on separate days. She’s wonderful, not Wonder Woman.) The big boys got the must-have games for their whatever systems and the littler guys got Lego sets. My daughter wanted a piece of Hello Kitty luggage. My aunt tried to talk her into the best of Barbie’s World and all other things pink and sparkly. My daughter came home with a pink and sparkly Hello Kitty traveller’s case. I told and retold the story all of Wednesday evening and most of Thursday. Each time I told it, the listener laughed and I shook my head, wondering aloud, again, about a seven year old choosing a suitcase, of all things, in the middle of the best toy store in the known universe. Thursday evening she got a call for an audition for a commercial. The audition was on a Saturday, the callback was on Monday and she got the call from her agent on Tuesday. The actual shoot was that Thursday but we needed to be at a fitting on Wednesday-exactly one week after she made her “questionable” decision. And even though they were providing outfits, they wantEd us to bring some of her own clothes, which we did, neatly packed into her pink and sparkly Hello Kitty suitcase.
This is about knowing what you know about you and honoring that despite what anybody else says. This is about your ability to make head choices that are in alignment with your heart beats. This is about your vision for your life and not allowing others-even the ones that love you the most- to distract, dissuade or discourage you from seeing your vision. This is about you moving from playing into preparation.This is about you Shifting into the potential of your possibility and Powering forward on your ME journey.
Are you packed?
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One Lump or Two
During one classic Bugs Bunny cartoon, the clever rabbit is playing host to a hungry, scheming lion dressed as a friendly old lady. In the scene, Bugs asks if his guest would like one lump of sugar or two. When the lion responds, Bugs Bunny whips out a hammer and delivers the requested number of lumps directly to the lion’s head. For some of us, making decisions can feel just like that. The issue is not whether or not we’ll get knocked in the head; it’s a matter of how many lumps we’ll get in the process. So in order to avoid the lumps we think we will get, we avoid making the decision altogether. If we view decision making as a function of freedom, as the price one pays for Powering On and Powering Forward, then making a decision moves from a thing to be avoided to an opportunity for change.
Two weeks ago, a friend of mine discovered that her husband had been having an affair for the past three months. Her initial reaction was anger, shock, dismay, fear and more anger (a lot more anger). And-much to her husband’s dismay-she was very clear in articulating her reaction. And she could have decided to remain rooted to her reaction. But she knew that in order to Power through to the next minute, she needed to make a decision. And then she would need to make another decision. And then another. Because reactions speak to the temporary, to the” how-I-feel-now”. Responses, however, go beyond “how-I feel-now” to “how-I-want-to-be”. A response is predicated on a decision. Not a right decision or a wrong decision, but a decision. A decision says this is what I want to see happen and this is what I am willing to do to make it happen. There is no right or wrong in that. There may be a need to make a different decision if something different needs to happen but different doesn’t mean right or wrong, it means something else is needed to make something happen.
An hour after she found out about the affair, he was packed up and headed to his brother’s house. The next day she decided he needed to move to their out-of-state house. Then she decided that his being an unfaithful spouse wasn’t going to relieve him of his daddy duties and so he had to be there for morning wake up, lunch making and bedtime duty. The day after that she decided she would kick their tenant out, move him into the downstairs apartment and charge him rent-she hadn’t decided if he was going to pay market value. Changing her decisions is not a sign of weakness or insecurity. Nor does it mean that she hasn’t cried, cursed and cried some more. But it is confirmation that as she gets clearer, she thinks clearer ensuring that her decisions come from clarity not chaos. Making a decision is a Power Move. Making a decision is a declaration which states that in the face of uncertainty or upheaval, you are able to choose a course of action which will move you closer to where you want to be. Sometimes you will move in a straight line, sometimes you will need to move in a way which has you circling back, but still see you progressing. And sometimes you will need to stop and be still. But that is also a decision.
Last week, she made the decision to ask him move back home. She also decided that her decisions would be based on what was best for her and her family and not on what the court of public opinion offered. Ultimately, what she decided was that she is the best person to decide what is best for her. Decisions don’t stop the lumps from coming; they may not even do much in the way of limiting the lumps we get. BUT making decisions can change the way experience the lumps because each decision we make moves us from power-less to Power-Full.
Are you ready to decide?
The Movement is YOU Making Decisions!!
Filed under Mama Power, Power Mamas Making Moves
You Are So Fresh
Harvest is the process of gathering mature crops from the field-crops that are ready to be picked from seeds that were sown months before. According to Crescent Bloom, November 1, is the first day of harvest for the late fall season. Planting is all about creating the future in the present. Farmers know this. They know which crops to grow in the soil they have, in the climates in which they live. They know when Mother Nature needs an extra hand with water and light, and sometimes they have to know what to do when Mother Nature decides to wreak havoc with water and light, wind, snow, etc. The uncertainties that come don’t prevent farmers from sowing seeds; every time they plant, they learn something. It could be how to better do what they do, or how to do something different. The unknown can yield something unexpected which can open a new market. Or farmers can get something which only has value as fertilizer for something else. And even that is a benefit.
Mothers Empowered has learned and is continuing to learn about the Power of Harvest. 2010-2011 was our second year of ME’s empowerment workshop series. We had changed location, made some changes to the farm team and expected a cash crop. Last year’s harvest, though, yielded more in the way of HOW we needed to grow rather than WHAT we needed to grow. We decided that providing a safe space for women to share their stories in ways that provided them with opportunities to be their most power-full selves, raise power-full children and build power-full communities was the soil we needed to cultivate. And that was how we planned our harvest. We strengthened relationships, developed new partnerships, asked lots of questions, listened more than we talked, and used our resources-old and new, to plan our new ME crop. What we have is a new workshop series with a social services agency in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. We also have an opportunity to be involved in the planting of a much larger crop designed to transform the existing landscape of a community in transition. That is the Power of Harvest.
Too often, we beat ourselves up and make ourselves wrong when the yield of a crop is far from what we expected. From relationships, to business ventures to careers, we stay rooted to the expectation long after the yield has demonstrated otherwise. We think because we put a certain amount of time, or money, or effort into something we have to remain committed to the relationship, business or career. Powering forward means knowing what you know, being open to knowing something new and letting go of what you don’t need to know anymore. If a friend constantly questions the way you parent and criticizes most of what you do, you can know loving a person from a distance can be healthy for you; receiving support for your authentic growth is a power move; allowing your spirit to be sabotaged ain’t martydom, it’s madness. You have to be clear about what you would like to see grow, how you would like to see it grow and what you need to do to make it grow in a way that meets your expectations. If you expect to grow a crop that’s lush, healthy and sustainable, you will put in the work necessary to see that happen. You’ll tend to the crop, pay attention and provide care, when necessary. And you’ll expect that you will reap a bounty that sees your expectations met. If not, you’ll save what can be saved and let go of what cannot. It’s about planning, choosing, decision making. It’s about vision brought to fruition. It’s about you turning it on.
The Movement is ME!!
Filed under Mama Power, ME Moment, Power Mamas Making Moves
Creating Your Own Movement
I went to an event at the Museum of Motherhood (yes, there is such a place) that was created by Joy Rose, who also founded Momapalooza, Inc., a company which promotes mothers for social, cultural and economic benefit. I attended The Motherhood and Creativity Day Conference and sat in on a panel discussion entitled “Creative Leaps of Faith” which was about mothers who have successfully monetized their passion. Literally, I was sitting at the feet of some of the who’s who in Mommy-dom; Nancy Intrator for “Working Mother Magazine”; Liz Lange, maternity fashion glamstress; Joanne Bamberger, aka Pundit Mom, political writer and media analyst AND one of my sheroes; and writer, editor, advocate, IATP Fellow, Mocha Manual brand owner and friend Kimberly Seals Allers. The panel was moderated by Julia Beck, brand specialist and marketing strategist, who invited the group to share their respective journeys from whence they came to where they are now. They all talked about how they used their vision for themselves at their most empowered to create their pathways to success. And how that vision coalesces when authenticity is wedded to commitment and transformation. To a woman they relayed how moving forward required a leaving of something-or someone-behind and how motherhood should be synonymous with a continued evolving.
Mothers Empowered comes from that same space, a need to be attached to something bigger than ME/me. Having a vision, honoring the process and yourself in the process can be challenging. It can cause you to question your abilities, doubt your skills and wreak all kinds of havoc with your self-esteem. Add the voices of skeptics and outright haters to the mix and it becomes easier to see why some try but many more don’t. Instead of letting “the talk” talk you down off the ledge, use it instead to take flight. For example, last year a friend complained to a friend about the cost of the monthly ME workshops. My frustration coupled with my indignation and bruised ego shut ME/me down. Programming stopped two months shy of our original schedule. And then in the midst of the quiet that comes with wound licking, I realized that the frustration that I had been feeling had been present before the comment was even made. The truth was I had moved further away from my vision to get closer to other people’s version of my vision. The truth was I didn’t feel authentic, I didn’t feel creative, I didn’t feel empowered. I didn’t feel like me and I wasn’t feeling ME. And the friend was right. In truth, the workshops weren’t priced right, they should have cost more. And I needed a larger venue and bigger audience because that was the vision I had for myself. And still do. I took flight. ME will be conducting workshops for a social services organization with agencies in two neighborhoods, which led to an opportunity to partner with another organization which led to a meeting about collaboration with yet another organization.
Creating your own movement is about you connecting to your authentic self, connecting to others-smart others-willing to tell you the truth, and connecting to something bigger than you. It’s about you being real with who you are and who you are not. I don’t scrapbook, or crochet, or decoupage or any of that. But give me pen and paper and magic happens. Give me music, I move. Give me space, I grow. Creating your own movement is as simple as that.
What will you make of you?
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First Day of School
This is the best time of year. It signals beginning, a fresh start, a new opportunity. The sight of a clean sheet of paper and a brand new pen bring the thrills of scoring must-have, gotta have killer boots. It’s the teacher in me. I live for the moment the light is turned on in a student’s eyes. It’s the fist pump “Yes! They got it moment.” It’s sharing the discovery of something not seen before. It’s encouraging the awakening of considering something with new perspective. It’s also the student in me. It’s about being curious and skeptical and inquisitive and wondering about all the what-ifs and how-comes. It’s about making room for new ideas, being open to diverse points of view and discarding what is outdated, outmoded and just plain played out. For both parts of me, it is about the possibility, the potential. Whether as teacher or student-and we are always one or the other-it’s about the journey from here to there and from who we were to who we could be. It’s about the 3R’s; no, not Readin’, Writin’ and ‘Rithmetic but Reflection, Reawakening and Reaffirming. It’s about you learning what brings you peace, what fills you with joy, where you need to add balance to your life. It’s about you being on purpose, on purpose. It’s about you being clear, you being truthful, you being scared to take that leap but closing your eyes and jumping anyway. It’s about you dropping out of the School of Hard Knocks and enrolling in U. Empowered because higher learning ain’t about bumps and bruises. It is about you creating a curriculum designed to see you SHIFT and Power Forward with light and love. It’s about giving yourself a clean slate with which to tell your story-the story which begins today, right now, in this moment. A minute ago, yesterday, last week, twenty years ago is outdated, outmoded and just plain played out and serve no purpose in this current classroom.
Class is in session. Are you present?
*I would love to hear from you and learn about your experience. Please email ME at info@me.org.
Tools
I have begun to journal, to create a written map of where I’m going, to record my own stops, starts and start overs, to give myself permission to feel how I feel and forgive and love myself through the process. The Movement is me/ME!!
Journal- Make use of the back-to-school leftovers. Grab one of those cute puppy books and begin. Or get creative. See my good friend Diana TheCraftaholic Gonzalez for ideas. http://www.thecraftaholic.com
Pen-Think outside of the black. Borrow one of those pastel colored, cool gel pens from your fave young diva-in-training.
Books
The Seat of the Soul-Gary Zukav
The Four Agreements- don Miguel Ruiz
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up- Iyanla Vanzant
Filed under ME Moment
