Mothers Empowered

Are You Packed?

mothersempowered — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:00:09 +0000

My aunt has this knack for gift giving. One year there was a bank check. The kind that came with a comma and some zeros. Last year there was a trip to Paris. Both delightedly unexpected. Both done with love and just because. Christmas is the one exception and even that is an event. This year she took the offspring of my sister and I- six grandnephews and one grandniece-on a bonafide New York Kid holiday experience; lunch, a matinee performance and shopping at F.A.O. Swarz. On a Wednesday. (She actually divided the group in two and went on separate days. She’s wonderful, not Wonder Woman.) The big boys got the must-have games for their whatever systems and the littler guys got Lego sets. My daughter wanted a piece of Hello Kitty luggage. My aunt tried to talk her into the best of Barbie’s World and all other things pink and sparkly. My daughter came home with a pink and sparkly Hello Kitty traveller’s case. I told and retold the story all of Wednesday evening and most of Thursday. Each time I told it, the listener laughed and I shook my head, wondering aloud, again, about a seven year old choosing a suitcase, of all things, in the middle of the best toy store in the known universe. Thursday evening she got a call for an audition for a commercial. The audition was on a Saturday, the callback was on Monday and she got the call from her agent on Tuesday. The actual shoot was that Thursday but we needed to be at a fitting on Wednesday-exactly one week after she made her “questionable” decision. And even though they were providing outfits, they wantEd us to bring some of her own clothes, which we did, neatly packed into her pink and sparkly Hello Kitty suitcase.
This is about knowing what you know about you and honoring that despite what anybody else says. This is about your ability to make head choices that are in alignment with your heart beats. This is about your vision for your life and not allowing others-even the ones that love you the most- to distract, dissuade or discourage you from seeing your vision. This is about you moving from playing into preparation.This is about you Shifting into the potential of your possibility and Powering forward on your ME journey.
Are you packed?

One Lump or Two

mothersempowered — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:54:36 +0000

During one classic Bugs Bunny cartoon, the clever rabbit is playing host to a hungry, scheming lion dressed as a friendly old lady. In the scene, Bugs asks if his guest would like one lump of sugar or two. When the lion responds, Bugs Bunny whips out a hammer and delivers the requested number of lumps directly to the lion’s head. For some of us, making decisions can feel just like that. The issue is not whether or not we’ll get knocked in the head; it’s a matter of how many lumps we’ll get in the process. So in order to avoid the lumps we think we will get, we avoid making the decision altogether. If we view decision making as a function of freedom, as the price one pays for Powering On and Powering Forward, then making a decision moves from a thing to be avoided to an opportunity for change.
Two weeks ago, a friend of mine discovered that her husband had been having an affair for the past three months. Her initial reaction was anger, shock, dismay, fear and more anger (a lot more anger). And-much to her husband’s dismay-she was very clear in articulating her reaction. And she could have decided to remain rooted to her reaction. But she knew that in order to Power through to the next minute, she needed to make a decision. And then she would need to make another decision. And then another. Because reactions speak to the temporary, to the” how-I-feel-now”. Responses, however, go beyond “how-I feel-now” to “how-I-want-to-be”. A response is predicated on a decision. Not a right decision or a wrong decision, but a decision. A decision says this is what I want to see happen and this is what I am willing to do to make it happen. There is no right or wrong in that. There may be a need to make a different decision if something different needs to happen but different doesn’t mean right or wrong, it means something else is needed to make something happen.
An hour after she found out about the affair, he was packed up and headed to his brother’s house. The next day she decided he needed to move to their out-of-state house. Then she decided that his being an unfaithful spouse wasn’t going to relieve him of his daddy duties and so he had to be there for morning wake up, lunch making and bedtime duty. The day after that she decided she would kick their tenant out, move him into the downstairs apartment and charge him rent-she hadn’t decided if he was going to pay market value. Changing her decisions is not a sign of weakness or insecurity. Nor does it mean that she hasn’t cried, cursed and cried some more. But it is confirmation that as she gets clearer, she thinks clearer ensuring that her decisions come from clarity not chaos. Making a decision is a Power Move. Making a decision is a declaration which states that in the face of uncertainty or upheaval, you are able to choose a course of action which will move you closer to where you want to be. Sometimes you will move in a straight line, sometimes you will need to move in a way which has you circling back, but still see you progressing. And sometimes you will need to stop and be still. But that is also a decision.
Last week, she made the decision to ask him move back home. She also decided that her decisions would be based on what was best for her and her family and not on what the court of public opinion offered. Ultimately, what she decided was that she is the best person to decide what is best for her. Decisions don’t stop the lumps from coming; they may not even do much in the way of limiting the lumps we get. BUT making decisions can change the way experience the lumps because each decision we make moves us from power-less to Power-Full.
Are you ready to decide?
The Movement is YOU Making Decisions!!

You Are So Fresh

mothersempowered — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 04:08:38 +0000

Harvest is the process of gathering mature crops from the field-crops that are ready to be picked from seeds that were sown months before. According to Crescent Bloom, November 1, is the first day of harvest for the late fall season. Planting is all about creating the future in the present. Farmers know this. They know which crops to grow in the soil they have, in the climates in which they live. They know when Mother Nature needs an extra hand with water and light, and sometimes they have to know what to do when Mother Nature decides to wreak havoc with water and light, wind, snow, etc. The uncertainties that come don’t prevent farmers from sowing seeds; every time they plant, they learn something. It could be how to better do what they do, or how to do something different. The unknown can yield something unexpected which can open a new market. Or farmers can get something which only has value as fertilizer for something else. And even that is a benefit.

Mothers Empowered has learned and is continuing to learn about the Power of Harvest. 2010-2011 was our second year of ME’s empowerment workshop series. We had changed location, made some changes to the farm team and expected a cash crop. Last year’s harvest, though, yielded more in the way of HOW we needed to grow rather than WHAT we needed to grow. We decided that providing a safe space for women to share their stories in ways that provided them with opportunities to be their most power-full selves, raise power-full children and build power-full communities was the soil we needed to cultivate. And that was how we planned our harvest. We strengthened relationships, developed new partnerships, asked lots of questions, listened more than we talked, and used our resources-old and new, to plan our new ME crop. What we have is a new workshop series with a social services agency in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. We also have an opportunity to be involved in the planting of a much larger crop designed to transform the existing landscape of a community in transition. That is the Power of Harvest.

Too often, we beat ourselves up and make ourselves wrong when the yield of a crop is far from what we expected. From relationships, to business ventures to careers, we stay rooted to the expectation long after the yield has demonstrated otherwise. We think because we put a certain amount of time, or money, or effort into something we have to remain committed to the relationship, business or career. Powering forward means knowing what you know, being open to knowing something new and letting go of what you don’t need to know anymore. If a friend constantly questions the way you parent and criticizes most of what you do, you can know loving a person from a distance can be healthy for you; receiving support for your authentic growth is a power move; allowing your spirit to be sabotaged ain’t martydom, it’s madness. You have to be clear about what you would like to see grow, how you would like to see it grow and what you need to do to make it grow in a way that meets your expectations. If you expect to grow a crop that’s lush, healthy and sustainable, you will put in the work necessary to see that happen. You’ll tend to the crop, pay attention and provide care, when necessary. And you’ll expect that you will reap a bounty that sees your expectations met. If not, you’ll save what can be saved and let go of what cannot. It’s about planning, choosing, decision making. It’s about vision brought to fruition. It’s about you turning it on.
The Movement is ME!!

Creating Your Own Movement

mothersempowered — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:17:38 +0000

I went to an event at the Museum of Motherhood (yes, there is such a place) that was created by Joy Rose, who also founded Momapalooza, Inc., a company which promotes mothers for social, cultural and economic benefit. I attended The Motherhood and Creativity Day Conference and sat in on a panel discussion entitled “Creative Leaps of Faith” which was about mothers who have successfully monetized their passion. Literally, I was sitting at the feet of some of the who’s who in Mommy-dom; Nancy Intrator for “Working Mother Magazine”; Liz Lange, maternity fashion glamstress; Joanne Bamberger, aka Pundit Mom, political writer and media analyst AND one of my sheroes; and writer, editor, advocate, IATP Fellow, Mocha Manual brand owner and friend Kimberly Seals Allers. The panel was moderated by Julia Beck, brand specialist and marketing strategist, who invited the group to share their respective journeys from whence they came to where they are now. They all talked about how they used their vision for themselves at their most empowered to create their pathways to success. And how that vision coalesces when authenticity is wedded to commitment and transformation. To a woman they relayed how moving forward required a leaving of something-or someone-behind and how motherhood should be synonymous with a continued evolving.
Mothers Empowered comes from that same space, a need to be attached to something bigger than ME/me. Having a vision, honoring the process and yourself in the process can be challenging. It can cause you to question your abilities, doubt your skills and wreak all kinds of havoc with your self-esteem. Add the voices of skeptics and outright haters to the mix and it becomes easier to see why some try but many more don’t. Instead of letting “the talk” talk you down off the ledge, use it instead to take flight. For example, last year a friend complained to a friend about the cost of the monthly ME workshops. My frustration coupled with my indignation and bruised ego shut ME/me down. Programming stopped two months shy of our original schedule. And then in the midst of the quiet that comes with wound licking, I realized that the frustration that I had been feeling had been present before the comment was even made. The truth was I had moved further away from my vision to get closer to other people’s version of my vision. The truth was I didn’t feel authentic, I didn’t feel creative, I didn’t feel empowered. I didn’t feel like me and I wasn’t feeling ME. And the friend was right. In truth, the workshops weren’t priced right, they should have cost more. And I needed a larger venue and bigger audience because that was the vision I had for myself. And still do. I took flight. ME will be conducting workshops for a social services organization with agencies in two neighborhoods, which led to an opportunity to partner with another organization which led to a meeting about collaboration with yet another organization.
Creating your own movement is about you connecting to your authentic self, connecting to others-smart others-willing to tell you the truth, and connecting to something bigger than you. It’s about you being real with who you are and who you are not. I don’t scrapbook, or crochet, or decoupage or any of that. But give me pen and paper and magic happens. Give me music, I move. Give me space, I grow. Creating your own movement is as simple as that.
What will you make of you?

mothersempowered — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:37:49 +0000

Creating your own movement is about you connecting to your authentic self, connecting to others-smart others-willing to tell you the truth, and connecting to something bigger than you. Continue reading →

First Day of School

mothersempowered — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 17:11:57 +0000

This is the best time of year. It signals beginning, a fresh start, a new opportunity. The sight of a clean sheet of paper and a brand new pen bring the thrills of scoring must-have, gotta have killer boots. It’s the teacher in me. I live for the moment the light is turned on in a student’s eyes. It’s the fist pump “Yes! They got it moment.” It’s sharing the discovery of something not seen before. It’s encouraging the awakening of considering something with new perspective. It’s also the student in me. It’s about being curious and skeptical and inquisitive and wondering about all the what-ifs and how-comes. It’s about making room for new ideas, being open to diverse points of view and discarding what is outdated, outmoded and just plain played out. For both parts of me, it is about the possibility, the potential. Whether as teacher or student-and we are always one or the other-it’s about the journey from here to there and from who we were to who we could be. It’s about the 3R’s; no, not Readin’, Writin’ and ‘Rithmetic but Reflection, Reawakening and Reaffirming. It’s about you learning what brings you peace, what fills you with joy, where you need to add balance to your life. It’s about you being on purpose, on purpose. It’s about you being clear, you being truthful, you being scared to take that leap but closing your eyes and jumping anyway. It’s about you dropping out of the School of Hard Knocks and enrolling in U. Empowered because higher learning ain’t about bumps and bruises. It is about you creating a curriculum designed to see you SHIFT and Power Forward with light and love. It’s about giving yourself a clean slate with which to tell your story-the story which begins today, right now, in this moment. A minute ago, yesterday, last week, twenty years ago is outdated, outmoded and just plain played out and serve no purpose in this current classroom.
Class is in session. Are you present?
*I would love to hear from you and learn about your experience. Please email ME at info@me.org.

Tools
I have begun to journal, to create a written map of where I’m going, to record my own stops, starts and start overs, to give myself permission to feel how I feel and forgive and love myself through the process. The Movement is me/ME!!
Journal- Make use of the back-to-school leftovers. Grab one of those cute puppy books and begin. Or get creative. See my good friend Diana TheCraftaholic Gonzalez for ideas. http://www.thecraftaholic.com
Pen-Think outside of the black. Borrow one of those pastel colored, cool gel pens from your fave young diva-in-training.
Books
The Seat of the Soul-Gary Zukav
The Four Agreements- don Miguel Ruiz
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up- Iyanla Vanzant

Power On: Are You Ready to Risk It All? (August)

mothersempowered — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 13:10:09 +0000

Join ME this month as we explore RISK. Often, we view risk negatively and see it connected to danger or damage. Shift and RISK becomes a positive and necessary part of growth. Use RISK to accept a challenge or opportunity in order to gain, to progress and to experience the new. We can RISK who we are for who we might become. RISK with ME in person or online. The Movement is US Risking Together!!

Say When

mothersempowered — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 16:15:28 +0000

When we were younger, my parents would take my sister and me to their favorite Italian restaurant, complete with straw covered wine bottles, al fresco paintings of rustic villages and photo replications of the Holy Trinity: Sinatra, De Niro and Di Maggio. The waiter would bring baskets of warm, crusty bread and those old-fashioned chunky glasses to fill with water. He was dressed in all black, typical waiter, pocket vest, white kitchen towel thrown over the arm. He would turn pouring the water into a production complete with grand flourishes and a booming, loud operatic voice telling us to “say when.” My sister would cave early, shrieking when the glass was half filled. I would wait until the last possible moment; right before the water threatened to spill out, then and only then would I say when.
Many of us operate like that now; except sometimes we are the waiters and other times we are the glasses. We pour into others and we allow others to pour into us. Our GASP (growth, attitude shift and progress) levels determine what we’re pouring, that which is clear, refreshing, nourishing and sustaining, or cloudy, tainted and murky. In service to others, in our relationships, are our intentions to collaborate, cooperate and connect? Are we as committed to the personal growth and development of another as we are (or should be) to our own? Are our messages clear, meant to honor another’s truth and validate their experiences? In being the glass, do we know how to say when? Or even when to say when? If the service we’re receiving doesn’t measure up to our expectations, can’t meet our needs, won’t sustain our SHIFT, fails to nourish, lacks the capacity to acknowledge our innate ability to shine and is limited in promoting our healing and wholeness, then we need to say when.
On Valentine’s Day, I received a text message and picture from my friend. The picture showed a bar of Ghirardelli Chocolate and a bag of Lundt’s Truffles she had gotten from her husband. They were both peanut buttered flavored; his favorite, not hers. And they still had the grocery store tags on them, which kind of negated the “high-end” chocolate defense theory he had created in response to her “response” to his gift. We need to rewind to Christmas when she didn’t receive any gift from him and back to her birthday when he took her on a dinner cruise she had wanted to go on and then spent the evening “commenting” on the cost of EVERYTHING. Of course, it could be argued that it’s the thought that counts. The same argument would have to entertain the question of what was he thinking? Was he thinking about getting her a gift to say he got something? Or was he thinking he wanted to get her a gift which would be a reflection of his appreciation of her? That was the day she said when. And she explained to him what she needed so he would make better choices during future purchases.
Saying when is just another way to say “Enough”. It’s not mean, unkind, doesn’t seek to diminish, or belittle. It’s an Empowered You being fully aware of what brings you peace and joy and allows you to feel mercy and grace. It is you setting boundaries with love and compassion. It is you acknowledging another’s boundaries with love and compassion. And you don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day or when you threaten to spill over. You can start today, right now, anytime. Just say when.

Do You Need To Be Committed?

mothersempowered — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 17:27:39 +0000

How many times have you said “I need to lose weight”; “I need to get this business off of the ground”; “I need to get my kids on schedule?” How many times have you heard, “If I could just get to the gym, I’d…”; “If I could save more, I’d….”; “If I just had the kids on schedule, I’d…” These statements aren’t grounded in goal setting and achievement; they’re sent up into the atmosphere as whispered wishes for magic tied to the end of curly balloon string. Being able to critically examine our lives and speak truth about what’s present and what’s lacking is crucial to us if we are serious in our intent to put in dream work; that is to lend specific energy in creating the lives we want to live, in the places we want to live, doing the work we believe would add value to how we live and being in loving relationships with those who matter.

What most of us do, instead, is to focus on the-what-is-wrong with the expectation that that will somehow get us to the-what- is-right. Clearly, we have to know what the problem is in order to arrive at the solution. When you take your car into the shop, any mechanic worth his/her salt is going to want to know what’s wrong with it. They’ll ask you how the car was driving, if you heard any noises or smelled any odors. They’ll start the car to hear, see, and smell for themselves. And once they find out it’s a cracked motor mount or torn belt, they replace the motor mount or the belt. They don’t use the broken thing to make your vehicle run the way it’s supposed to. But that’s what we do when trying to “fix” what’s wrong. I’m fat so I need to lose 20 pounds. I’m broke so I need to save more. I’m always late so I need to be on a schedule. Many of us have adopted that thinking as a skill set. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. People are committed to mental hospitals because they are without the necessary insight as to what will keep them out of trouble. Thus, lack of insight leads to necessity for commitment.

Insight insists that in order to see change happen-and that’s what “I need” and “If I could” sentences are all about, change-we have to change the way we frame our thoughts. In so doing, we will change both our approach and our results. For example, I needed to lose my postpartum weight; my daughter, as she announced this morning, is four months away from seven. No judgments. For the first few years, I would say I needed to lose 15 pounds. Then it was 20, then 30. A few years after that-uh huh, a few years-I started going to boot camp with Aja the Atrocious. And instead of worrying about the weight I had to lose, my focus was first on just making it through the class without going into full cardiac arrest, and then it switched from number of pounds to lose to number of pushups to gain, amount of squats to increase, distance of miles to run. And guess what? Not only did I lose weight, I became stronger, more limber, more flexible, had more energy, a better diet and I looked incredible in my clothes. I became committed to the outcome, the desired result, just like the mechanic.

Consider, then, your finish instead of your start as the place to begin your action plan. Create the steps necessary to move you from where you want to end up to where you are now. You’re not afraid of the pool or beach; you want to learn how to swim. You don’t think your partner is going to reject your request for new and exciting; you want to add some spice to the love mix. You want a life that sees you at your most Power-Full, your most prepared for Shift and for GASP.

Do you need to be committed?

Take It Back

mothersempowered — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 18:02:49 +0000

Remember when you were little and you got into an argument with your brother/sister/cousin and he/she would call you a “PooPoo Head?” And you demanded they “take it back!!”? Remember how when you were a teenager and got into an argument with your best friend, then made out with her boyfriend? And how bad you felt immediately afterwards (and even worse when she found out because he told??) that you laid awake in bed the whole night wishing with all your might you could “take it back?” The desire to take it back never goes away. One night of partying hard and waking up in strange bed with a strange bed buddy could find you trying really hard to remember just how much you want to take back. A failed business, a sudden revelation and bad credit could have you stuck deep in The Land of Regret, smack dab in the middle of “ If only I Had” Boulevard and “What Was I Thinking” Avenue. What would happen if you took “it”-meaning the mistake, the error, the lapse in judgment, the lack of experience, and your youth-fueled “wisdom”-back? Consider:

A friend of mine saw her online retail store become a brick and mortar reality. Two years later, due to the slow progress of gentrification in the neighborhood and the bleak economy, she had to close. But her presence on the block saw at least eight new businesses emerge along what had been a desolate strip of urban wasteland AND the rise of a community group whose first collaboration resulted in the demise of the street pharmaceutical trade plaguing the area.

Three years ago, my cousin’s then-boyfriend questioned the paternity of their daughter. When the results came back he immediately cut off all ties to them both after eight years of raising her as his child. She was mortified and horrified and fit-to-be-tied. After a few days of being the only guest at her exclusive pity party, my cousin found a therapist to guide both she and her daughter through the healing process. Through the miracle of Facebook, she also found her daughter’s dad. The daughter, a beautiful junior honor society inductee and rising dance star, has developed a healthy relationship with her father and three new siblings.

My good mom-buddy left her native state and all of her family support to start her new married life in her husband’s childhood home, which he shared with his sister. She was excited about the relationship she was sure to share with her in-law. Three kids, several bombed investments, a depression (the in-law) and one near foreclosure later saw her savings depleted, her former 800 FICO score a thing of the past, and her marriage majorly tested. After taping a divorce lawyer’s number to the fridge, she was able to have a conversation with her husband about the necessity of transparency in communication, fiscal responsibility and the willingness to face some hard truths about family dysfunction. They’re moving into a better school district and she has put all of her amazing creative talent to use in her new and lucrative venture.

If you take “it” back, then you are also taking away the lesson that comes along with “it”. You are taking away your opportunity to experience GASP (Growth, Attitude Shift, Progression). You are taking away the tools you need to be the perfectly imperfect you you were created to be. But if you are determined to take “it” back then make sure it is something you can use for the journey. Take back your sense of self, your feelings of worth. Go get your smile, your laughter, your joy. Find where you left your zest, your passion. Uncover the mystery of how your Divalicious pop, simmer and flame turned to dust and cold ashes. Put out a missing persons report on the you you always wanted to be. Find her and bring her back.